John Kerry to Abandon Dreams of Stand-up Career

(Obligatory note to stupid people. I made this up. John Kerry did not say these things. And no, I didn't just call YOU stupid. Oh, never mind.)

After an off-the-cuff comment about stupid people was misunderstood and manipulated by stupid people, Senator John Kerry has decided to step back from his long cherished wish to become a stand-up comic. “I figure I travel the country so much as part of my job as a senator, I might as well use those open mics at colleges, expensive fund-raising dinners, and invited speeches for personal gain. And in my case, it’s making people laugh. Or, I thought it could be.” The Massachusetts senator, who ran for president in 2004, has “loads of material” he says, but little time to practice his act in front of a live audience when he is “not working.” “I thought I would try something there, but maybe my wife is right. I should save it for the living room. Or just save it. Teresa’s a riot.”

In an effort at fraternity-style ribbing, Mr. Kerry says he was just trying to call the president a moron for getting the United States embroiled in an overseas conflict reminiscent of Vietnam yet rife with enduring and explosive possibilities for hateful retribution against our country for generations to come. "It's all in good fun for a couple of Yalies like us." He says he was shocked and appalled when Mr. Bush and other republicans responded with such vitriol, though he opted to use the phrase "yucky feelings." He also steered away from the words “acrimony” and “vituperation” and the phrase “willful obfuscation of intended meaning for nefarious political purposes” fearing any more mix ups. “Did you know that according to Roget’s Thesaurus, 6th Edition, an acceptable synonym for ‘quagmire’ is ‘receptacle of filth’? I thought that was interesting,” he added as an aside.

Senator Kerry, who was born at an Army Hospital into an Army family and whose father volunteered in the Army Air Corps and flew during World War II, volunteered to serve his country in Vietnam after graduating from Yale, and served two tours of duty, which, he says “really informs my sense of humor.” His unsuccessful bid for president against fellow Yale graduate, George W. Bush (B.A. 1965, History) taught him a lot about “keeping things light.” “People accused me of being ‘wooden’ and ‘impersonal.' I thought that I could loosen things up a bit this campaign season because I am not running for political office." Mr. Kerry went on to say that, instead of being a stand up comic or president, he was just going to have to find a way to be content with being “really, really smart.”